Fake Trial of Century Ends

by Alphaville Herald on 12/08/10 at 2:54 am

Bigfoot Convicted — Miss Petunia to Be Sentenced by Herald Reader survey!!!

by Journey Yellowlist, Herald Legal Desk


Bored office-clones clung to the edges of their coffee-stained chairs, withered doyens of the china-cup crowd shredded lace hankies in anguish, and drunken hillbillies fell off pickle-barrels in the general store in hysterics as Judge I.R. “Hang ‘em High!” Shirley DeBoss, of the District Court of Second Life, decided the case known to the annals of fake legal history as Taliaferro v. Enoch

In my first dispatch about this celebrity trial, Septimus Severus Legume, representing Miss Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro, President for Life of the Second Life League of Decency, had questioned Mr. Enoch, pointing to the man’s long criminal history as proof enough for the charges of vandalism, high crimes against the Arts, and burglary leveled at the moonshiner and Herald reporter as well as his sister. 

Pappy and Jezz Enoch were in the courtroom, but were not called to the stand on Day Two. Mr. Enoch, fresh from the comforts of a deluxe cell given him after some machinations with the jail staff, looked healthy, and he had packed on several pounds from jail food. Ms. Enoch, who had suffered in several cat-fights with buxom female guards, had been “spruced up” with a new set of stripes and many bandages. 

This reporter was present as attorney Slewfoot “Ain’t Lost Me a Case Yet!” Hadisson called the plaintiff to the stand. 

Judge deBoss: Miss Petunia, take that there stand! 

Jezz Enoch (whispered): Hell, askin’ a fat hag like that ol’ fancified fart to stand am just too much! It are like callin’ on a whale to git up on its flippers. 

Judge: I begs yo’ pardon, Miss Enoch? 

Jezz : What I done said were, askin’ somebody who done lost her fine art to stand am cruel and am just too much, so you needs to get her a nice pair o’ slippers. 

Miss Petunia: Oh be quiet, you hellbound degenerate, you foul trunk of noxious humors, spewing the poisons of your fornications!  

Judge: Least she gots her a petite figure fo’ that spewin an’ fornycashum  (winks at Jezz). So hush up yo’ self, tater-butt…I means Madame Plaintiff! 

Mr. Hadisson, git over here an’ do yo’ stuff. 

Slewfoot: Now lookee here, Miss P. The party o’ the first part… 


Petunia: Do you refer to me, you fly-by-night shyster? 

Slewfoot: Yep, you. Call me whatsoever you wants, but I gots evidence here that you harbors a mighty awful grudge agin’ the party o’ the second part… 

Pappy: Me? 

Jezz: No, me, you fat chunk o’ gov’mint cheese! (slaps Pappy silly) 

Slewfoot: BOTH o’ them po’ sufferin’ orphans who done lost their Papa to a Bigfoot attack and their Mama to a wastin’ disease brought on by pinin’ and gen’ral luv-sickness for that selfsame Bigfoot after she got one good look at his manly form while he were maulin’ and dismemberin’ her husband.  

Mammy Enoch won’t never the same, cause she knowed she done married the wrong feller.  She beat them chirren silly an’ led them into a life o’ sin and grief. 

Judge: Am that a defense? Hell, my mama were kiddynapped by Bigfoot and I done become a judge! So what am the point, sir? 

Slewfoot: Blamin’ Bigfoot am my general point, but they am more. Yo’ honor, I got me evidence that this so-called pillar o’ society gots herself a rite tarrible  secret….a secret identify! 

At this point the multitude, well, all 5 observers including me and the court typist, began to demand justice for the Enochs (and pass the jugs freely). 

Slewfoot: You sees, I gots evidence that none other than Miss Peetoonia Courtnobody Sasparilla Taladega… 

Legume: Sir! Objection, your honor! He mocks my client! She’s Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro! 

Judge: Oh shut the hell up, you dang pantywaist, befo’ I has you taken fo’ a scrape behind the County Dog-Catcher’s truck. Now go on, Cous…I means Mr. Hadisson. 

Slewfoot: I gots me photygraphs o’ Miss Peetonia as none other than “Wild Orchid,”member (ex-officia) o’ the Justice League Unlimited of SL and the gal who done blowed up Pappy’s trailer when he were runnin’ fo’ mayor o’ Hard Alley. Here they am! 


Judge: Gimme them photygrafs.  

Well, it are decided then. First, I declares Bigfoot guilty o’ the crimes committed by Pappy and Jezz Enoch, since he were the root cause. In dementia, I sentences him… 

Ulysses Enoch: You mean “in abstentia,” your honor? 

Judge: That too. I sentences him to hang by the neck until he are dead and rotten! 

Next, I declares Miss Petunia Curtly Anorexi..et cetera…to be GUILTY as sin!  

Petunia: Oh, ruined! 

Judge: Furthersoever, Let the Enochs, who done suffered at the hands o’ Bigfoot an’ Miss Petunia, have what am left o’ her house, Doilywood, on account o’ the false charges agin’ this brother and sister who done paid their debts to society. 

Judge (whisper): And paid me, too. Thanks fo’ that roll o’ bills and the case o’ Shine, boy. 

Slewfoot (whisper): You am a peach, yo’ honor, and I are a servant o’ the law, servin’ rite good Shine and gals, too, if’n you needs some.  

Judge (whisper): I gots that all set, boy. Tell Jezz to git to my chambers rite after we drags ol’ Tater-butt off. We gots legal bizness to transact. 

Legume: THIS IS A TRAVESTY! Her art! Her stately home! Violated by rude mechanicals! 

Judge: Tapestry my butt. We ain’t that fancy, boy. Photygraphs am good enuff. An what you got agin’ mechanics? My pappy were one o’ them. Baliff, take ol’ Needlepoint Slim here downstairs for a good beatin’ and snap to it! 


Here Legume was dragged from the courtroom by the Bailiff and Sgt. Dolly Grip, of the Really, Really Bad Girls Detention Center. Sounds of a good beating drifted upstairs while Miss Petunia shivered in her seat. 

Judge : Anysohow, we needs to set us a example so’s I kin leave this stupid game an’ git back to hangin’ folks in the real world and takin’ real bribes.  So fo’ the rest o’ Miss Petunia’s punishment, I reckons them Herald readers can vote on it. That Hamhock Au boy at New World Notes runs them polls, so let’s have one ourselfs! Mistopher reporter! 

Me: Yes your honor! 

Judge: Run a poll in that fake paper! Then run them results! Justice am a gonna git done! 

Miss Petunia: Oh, cruel and harsh world! I’LL HAVE MY REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU! 

At this point she attacked Hadisson with a rolling pin but was disarmed with a series of expert Kung-Fu moves by the two-headed prim baby, Ulysses-Diomedes Enoch. 

Judge: Restrain that-there gal, bailiff, an’ put her in stripes! Git up an’ down ones if’n you kin. They has a slimmin’ effect. 

On this note, amid weeping and gnashing of teeth, the forlorn Miss Petunia was dragged away into custody.   

Pappy: Can I spend one mo’ night in jail, yo’ horror? 

Judge: What the hell for? 

Pappy: Tonight am fried chikkin nite agin! 

Judge: Sho thing, boy. You already et up $5000 in fake food, so what am three mo’ chikkins?  

Enochs: Whee hoo! Let’s liquor! 


Pappy and Jezz performed a folkloric line-dance in the courtroom to the tune of “Jailhouse Rock,” and all was again as right as it could be in the fake world of Second Life. 

Now, gentle readers, you hold justice in your sweaty hands. Do it the Enoch Way: Vote early! Bribe your friends to vote for justice!  

21 Responses to “Fake Trial of Century Ends”

  1. Hydrogen2 Oxygen

    Aug 12th, 2010

    Being chained to Prokofy is 10 times worse then the first four choices combined. D:

  2. General Drama

    Aug 12th, 2010

    So, when do we see Jez in a Post 6 piece? I don’t know which articles I find more annoying, the furfag video crap or these fail attempts to parody rednecks.

  3. Danziel Lane

    Aug 12th, 2010

    I understand the general problem of general critics.

    To talk about something that annoys them, they must read annoying stuff. And they must read much of that annoying stuff to be able to compare the many levels of annoyance.

    So much easier to read here on the search of something funny like I do.

    So yes, I second GD’s suggestion to have Jezz in Post 6 article very soon. That would be fun.

  4. James Freud

    Aug 12th, 2010

    How about the voting option – ‘Please, no more of this retarded shit!’.

    Isn’t there a Second LIfe writers forum where you can act out all your fanfic fantasies?

    Is there really nothing else to write about that’s happening in Second Life?

    Stop being so fucking lazy, get in-world and spend some quality time there, and look for real fucking events to report on!

  5. Danziel Lane

    Aug 12th, 2010

    Well, another thought.

    I am just thinking about the scene when Luke Skywalker heard the words: “Luke, I am you dad”.

    Now … to the reporter: is it all true, what you wrote? Maybe the old lady survived … and after Miss Petunia suffered all that fates chained to Prok … what if she finally whispers:

    “But Pappy …. I am your mom!”

  6. Pappy Enoch

    Aug 12th, 2010

    I needs to answer to some o’ these-here allergashums. I only got 4 feces to nail up here, unlike ol’ Martin Luther who done nailed more’n 90 to that church-house door. But here they am:

    1) General Drama am my sort o’ critic (like the feller done said that time, better to fail an’ git paid then to just fail). But Doctor Freud got him one o’ them pole-in-butt Eatapuss Complexes sum’fin awful, and that needs some qwik action.

    Sho you ain’t no sock puppet fo’ that crazy cat lady? If’n that am the case, the pole am cemented up thar so you ain’t got no chance o’ removin’ it.

    2) I wood do this fo’ some writer’s forum, but a) Pix pays me, b) I loves rilin’ up pole-in-butt types, c) Pix pays me and d) I cain’t git drunk rite wif’out no pay.

    3) My sister Jezz ain’t posin’ nekkid as no Post 6 Gal. I got the famberly honur to think of an’ what wood po’ mama say, gone to her lonesum grave a-pinin’ fo’ Bigfoot an’ worried we chirren wood not git raised up rite.

    4) Y’all don’t know Sh*t from Shinola about Rednecks. Folks from the UK am excused fo’ they ignorance (I knows the term am common over thar). “Redneck” did one time mean a feller been out in the field and got his neck burnt up. But today that am all changed.

    Rednecks am folks whose grand-pappies farmed but now lives in town in them run-down apartment corn-plexes and drives munster trucks (what ain’t carried nuffin’ but a fat Redneck’s butt) an’ ol’ Camaros. They shops at fancified stores like Wal Mart and likes that dumb NASCAR thing. Hell, I could just git drunk and run around in a circle till I throwed up and save all the money from a ticket to watch them dang stock-cars (what ain’t stock) go in a dang oval 500 times.

    Hillbillies still lives on an’ produces stuff from the land, mostly made out o’ corn which are turned into some good-time go juice. We rides mules, city boys wif nice mouths, or rusted out pickemup trucks that does real work. Hillbillies only likes to shop at the gen’ral store (or take stuff from city folks). To Hillbillies, Figure-8 racin’ and demerlishun derbies am what them French fellers calls “creme deli cream” for racin’ fun because more stuff gits busted up and sometimes folks gits killed dead.

    Well, now’s I got ya’ll straight, let the lead fly! I needs to spend my fake money now’s I are out of jail and movin’ into ol’ Peetoonia’s fake mansion.

  7. Journey Yellowlist

    Aug 12th, 2010

    Every word herein is God’s honest truth. Dare you cynical naked fat me, typing on your encrusted keyboards from your basements, besmirch the veracity of the Alphaville Herald?

    Sigh…what we defenders of truth must endure. But I’ll move on. Say, Danziel…COULD Petunia actually BE Jezz’s and Pappy’s mother?

    I’ll begin an investigation forthwith.

  8. Journey Yellowlist

    Aug 12th, 2010

    Ahem…in the heat of typing my rebuttal I made a most Freudian slip.

    That should be “naked fat men,” but alas, I typed “me.”

    I am wearing underpants as I type this, and I’m down to 325 now.


  9. hobo kelly

    Aug 12th, 2010

    (crazy cat lady talking hand puppet still naturally high from bitching someone out sings to a 340 pound chained hippie)

    “Round round
    “Out of your mind
    “You think you’re seeing things
    “I know you’re blind
    “A million bright colours explode in your head
    “Today you’re just high
    “Tomorrow you’re dead
    “Round round…


  10. Inniatzo

    Aug 12th, 2010

    yay! this means the end of this innane hillbilly crap! right? right? oh, please, in the name of all that is good and decent, please make it go away!!

    as for voting, i choose the option James Freud suggested.

  11. II Singh

    Aug 12th, 2010

    I “third” the option suggested by James Freud. Alphaville seems to get more lame by the minute. They were a full day behind the rest of the blogs on the Qarl linden story and for the most part seem to be lame attempt at best at providing anything in the form of information. Let me guess next up this week another uber-lame post six posting. Gee I can hardly wait… maybe another DNS glitch will save us all from that “blessing”.

  12. II Singh

    Aug 12th, 2010

    Man I used the word lame three times to describe Alphaville’s latest offerings was that a Freudian slip….. not.

  13. Journey Yellowlist

    Aug 12th, 2010

    A collapsing civilization always produces barbarous art.

    Why should a fake online community circling the drain be any different?

    Retarded minds wish to know!

  14. II Singh

    Aug 12th, 2010

    @Journey Yellowlist…. good point. One made abundantly clear with just about anything I see in SL these days. Whether it be paranoia and thuggery, preoccupation with beastiality or bizarre mixed-messages from the supposed “governing body and their lack of direction as a company in general. Decadence and de-evolution as a society. Next stop the proverbial societal slime in the oceans.

  15. At0m0 Beerbaum

    Aug 13th, 2010

    How does a hillbilly girl know that her mom is on her period?
    Her brother’s dick tastes funny.

  16. Coke

    Aug 13th, 2010

    Anyone know if the Prok has made any comment about the poll results? I’m surprised the nutty old windbag hasn’t come here with a few pages of text explaining why this is some conspiracy to smear her name or something and how those of us that don’t agree are all assholes

  17. David McNaughten

    Aug 13th, 2010

    Wow. A Prokofy reference out of nowhere.

    You guys really are obsessed.

  18. Emperor Norton hears a who?

    Aug 13th, 2010


    Prok views courts as a Libertarian (as in Communist) conspiracies. Therefore *all* trails are fake to her.

  19. General Drama

    Aug 15th, 2010

    I’ll have you know that I am, in fact, a certified redneck myself, albeit one who has some semblance of edjumication (and done packed up teh house and moved to Beverly). I own some shit kickers that have actually come into contact with cow and/or horse manure on more than passing occasion, and a choice of shotguns with which to hold a shotgun wedding should the need arise. The majority of my shirts are either flannel or t-shirts, and my back pocket has a round wear pattern in it from my chaw tin.
    I got one of them Roads Scholarships, like that feller Slick Willie got before he played hide-the-cigar with that fat jewish chick. I still haven’t found out what road they were referring to.
    And no, I’m not Prok, though thats funny you thought so.

    As for Jez posing nekkid, don’t you think that’s her decision?

    Jez, I’ll put up 10 spacebux and a pack’o smokes for you to do a Post 6 pictorial.

    At0m0, I know that one. Hillbilly girls most frequent saying during sex is “Dad, yer crushin mah smokes.”
    If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for anybody else’s.

    Any court that Prok isn’t judge, jury, and reputational executioner is clearly a Woodburyist Tekkiwikki Technocommunist conspiracy against her earning spacebux. Someone should make an English to Prok translator so people can properly feed prokanista-esque statements to their Prok Puppets(tm).

  20. hobo kelly

    May 18th, 2011

    so like I have now been going around to all the breedable animal sims looking for a Prok Puppets(tm) thing. In my mind I just saw the Crazy Cat Lady Talking Hand Puppet head growing on some kind of breedable pet or something… omg that is a nasty thought, imagine Crazy Cat Lady heads appearing on breedable animals as they mature.. all of them looking back at you with taped up glasses and that wonkey eye… walking around bumping into each other… ProkPets(tm) yeaaaaaah, i wonder who could make them… they could ride on your shoulder sometimes and shout out stuff at people, like: “TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF THAT KEYBOARD YOU TECHNOCOMMUNIST NIHILIST GEEK” and maybe “OH YOU’RE A LINDEN, GO TO HELL YOU DESTROYER OF THE LAND MARKET” and the ever popular self-deprecating humor “BAN PROK!”… weird. I will find me a CCLTHP some day…

  21. Pappy Enoch

    May 18th, 2011

    @hobo, Don’t git none o’ them builder-geeks started. They mite make them some Prok-poppets.

    What am wurse: Miss Pee-toonia Courtly Amaretto Tailfeathers am soon to git out o’ jail. Gawd help poor me.

    I hears she plans to propose to her “Darlin’ an’ dashin’ lil’ ol’ Proky-Poo.”

    Meanwhile, I are on the lam. I done got beat up an’ throwed out’n Miss P’s mansion by Jezz, who then got drunk, burned the place down, then put her a trailer on the lot.

    Well, they am some justice in the fake world. Trailer done burned down, too.

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