by Alphaville Herald on 12/08/10 at 2:54 am
Bigfoot Convicted — Miss Petunia to Be Sentenced by Herald Reader survey!!!
by Journey Yellowlist, Herald Legal Desk
Bored office-clones clung to the edges of their coffee-stained chairs, withered doyens of the china-cup crowd shredded lace hankies in anguish, and drunken hillbillies fell off pickle-barrels in the general store in hysterics as Judge I.R. “Hang ‘em High!” Shirley DeBoss, of the District Court of Second Life, decided the case known to the annals of fake legal history as Taliaferro v. Enoch.
In my first dispatch about this celebrity trial, Septimus Severus Legume, representing Miss Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro, President for Life of the Second Life League of Decency, had questioned Mr. Enoch, pointing to the man’s long criminal history as proof enough for the charges of vandalism, high crimes against the Arts, and burglary leveled at the moonshiner and Herald reporter as well as his sister.
Pappy and Jezz Enoch were in the courtroom, but were not called to the stand on Day Two. Mr. Enoch, fresh from the comforts of a deluxe cell given him after some machinations with the jail staff, looked healthy, and he had packed on several pounds from jail food. Ms. Enoch, who had suffered in several cat-fights with buxom female guards, had been “spruced up” with a new set of stripes and many bandages.
This reporter was present as attorney Slewfoot “Ain’t Lost Me a Case Yet!” Hadisson called the plaintiff to the stand.
Judge deBoss: Miss Petunia, take that there stand!
Jezz Enoch (whispered): Hell, askin’ a fat hag like that ol’ fancified fart to stand am just too much! It are like callin’ on a whale to git up on its flippers.
Judge: I begs yo’ pardon, Miss Enoch?
Jezz : What I done said were, askin’ somebody who done lost her fine art to stand am cruel and am just too much, so you needs to get her a nice pair o’ slippers.
Miss Petunia: Oh be quiet, you hellbound degenerate, you foul trunk of noxious humors, spewing the poisons of your fornications!
Judge: Least she gots her a petite figure fo’ that spewin an’ fornycashum (winks at Jezz). So hush up yo’ self, tater-butt…I means Madame Plaintiff!
Mr. Hadisson, git over here an’ do yo’ stuff.
Slewfoot: Now lookee here, Miss P. The party o’ the first part…
Petunia: Do you refer to me, you fly-by-night shyster?
Slewfoot: Yep, you. Call me whatsoever you wants, but I gots evidence here that you harbors a mighty awful grudge agin’ the party o’ the second part…
Jezz: No, me, you fat chunk o’ gov’mint cheese! (slaps Pappy silly)
Slewfoot: BOTH o’ them po’ sufferin’ orphans who done lost their Papa to a Bigfoot attack and their Mama to a wastin’ disease brought on by pinin’ and gen’ral luv-sickness for that selfsame Bigfoot after she got one good look at his manly form while he were maulin’ and dismemberin’ her husband.
Mammy Enoch won’t never the same, cause she knowed she done married the wrong feller. She beat them chirren silly an’ led them into a life o’ sin and grief.
Judge: Am that a defense? Hell, my mama were kiddynapped by Bigfoot and I done become a judge! So what am the point, sir?
Slewfoot: Blamin’ Bigfoot am my general point, but they am more. Yo’ honor, I got me evidence that this so-called pillar o’ society gots herself a rite tarrible secret….a secret identify!
At this point the multitude, well, all 5 observers including me and the court typist, began to demand justice for the Enochs (and pass the jugs freely).
Slewfoot: You sees, I gots evidence that none other than Miss Peetoonia Courtnobody Sasparilla Taladega…
Legume: Sir! Objection, your honor! He mocks my client! She’s Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro!
Judge: Oh shut the hell up, you dang pantywaist, befo’ I has you taken fo’ a scrape behind the County Dog-Catcher’s truck. Now go on, Cous…I means Mr. Hadisson.
Slewfoot: I gots me photygraphs o’ Miss Peetonia as none other than “Wild Orchid,”member (ex-officia) o’ the Justice League Unlimited of SL and the gal who done blowed up Pappy’s trailer when he were runnin’ fo’ mayor o’ Hard Alley. Here they am!
Judge: Gimme them photygrafs.
Well, it are decided then. First, I declares Bigfoot guilty o’ the crimes committed by Pappy and Jezz Enoch, since he were the root cause. In dementia, I sentences him…
Ulysses Enoch: You mean “in abstentia,” your honor?
Judge: That too. I sentences him to hang by the neck until he are dead and rotten!
Next, I declares Miss Petunia Curtly Anorexi..et cetera…to be GUILTY as sin!
Petunia: Oh, ruined!
Judge: Furthersoever, Let the Enochs, who done suffered at the hands o’ Bigfoot an’ Miss Petunia, have what am left o’ her house, Doilywood, on account o’ the false charges agin’ this brother and sister who done paid their debts to society.
Judge (whisper): And paid me, too. Thanks fo’ that roll o’ bills and the case o’ Shine, boy.
Slewfoot (whisper): You am a peach, yo’ honor, and I are a servant o’ the law, servin’ rite good Shine and gals, too, if’n you needs some.
Judge (whisper): I gots that all set, boy. Tell Jezz to git to my chambers rite after we drags ol’ Tater-butt off. We gots legal bizness to transact.
Legume: THIS IS A TRAVESTY! Her art! Her stately home! Violated by rude mechanicals!
Judge: Tapestry my butt. We ain’t that fancy, boy. Photygraphs am good enuff. An what you got agin’ mechanics? My pappy were one o’ them. Baliff, take ol’ Needlepoint Slim here downstairs for a good beatin’ and snap to it!
Here Legume was dragged from the courtroom by the Bailiff and Sgt. Dolly Grip, of the Really, Really Bad Girls Detention Center. Sounds of a good beating drifted upstairs while Miss Petunia shivered in her seat.
Judge : Anysohow, we needs to set us a example so’s I kin leave this stupid game an’ git back to hangin’ folks in the real world and takin’ real bribes. So fo’ the rest o’ Miss Petunia’s punishment, I reckons them Herald readers can vote on it. That Hamhock Au boy at New World Notes runs them polls, so let’s have one ourselfs! Mistopher reporter!
Me: Yes your honor!
Judge: Run a poll in that fake paper! Then run them results! Justice am a gonna git done!
Miss Petunia: Oh, cruel and harsh world! I’LL HAVE MY REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU!
At this point she attacked Hadisson with a rolling pin but was disarmed with a series of expert Kung-Fu moves by the two-headed prim baby, Ulysses-Diomedes Enoch.
Judge: Restrain that-there gal, bailiff, an’ put her in stripes! Git up an’ down ones if’n you kin. They has a slimmin’ effect.
On this note, amid weeping and gnashing of teeth, the forlorn Miss Petunia was dragged away into custody.
Pappy: Can I spend one mo’ night in jail, yo’ horror?
Judge: What the hell for?
Pappy: Tonight am fried chikkin nite agin!
Judge: Sho thing, boy. You already et up $5000 in fake food, so what am three mo’ chikkins?
Enochs: Whee hoo! Let’s liquor!
Pappy and Jezz performed a folkloric line-dance in the courtroom to the tune of “Jailhouse Rock,” and all was again as right as it could be in the fake world of Second Life.
Now, gentle readers, you hold justice in your sweaty hands. Do it the Enoch Way: Vote early! Bribe your friends to vote for justice!