The Alphaville Herald

Fake Trial of Century Begins

by Alphaville Herald on 28/07/10 at 11:35 am

Chaos in The Courtroom

by Journey Yellowlist, Herald Legal Desk 

Today Second Life held its breath, and stood well upwind, as the SL District Court heard opening arguments in the case against Pappy and Jezz Enoch. The fake hillbillies are on trial for multiple crimes, including embezzlement of fake currency, assault on a tiny, vehicular mayhem, and vandalism of priceless artwork.  Charges have been brought by a class of plaintiffs including Miss Petunia Courtney Amaryllis Taliaferro, President for Life of the Second Life League of Decency.

It was Miss Taliaferro’s home, Doilywood, that had been vandalized shortly before the Enochs were arrested. Unmatched works of art were slashed to ribbons or hauled away, causing untold psychological harm to Miss Taliaferro in particular and the community of SL artistes in general. 

Miss Taliaferro had hired Tertullian Blatherskate, Esq., of Blatherskate, Snopes, Gantry, and Blatherskate. The day before the trial began, however, Mr. Blatherskate was badly injured when the brakes mysteriously failed on his 1959 Cadillac. He’s in the critical-care unit at St. Lazarus of Many Sores.  

Foul play is suspected, given evidence found in the wreckage, including packaging from Moon Pies, Day’s Work chewing tobacco, and Uncle Porky Pork Rinds, all indicating that someone had taken hours to sabotage the vehicle while gorging on junk food and “chaw.”

Miss Taliaferro was able to secure the services of Septimus Severus Legume, noted metaverse poet, who once took a prelaw course at Yoknapatawpha State. 
This reporter was present as Judge I.R. Shirley DeBoss, imported into Second Life from Enoch Holler, VA, called the proceedings to order. Defense attorney Slewfoot Hadisson, plus two-headed prim baby and legal consultant Ulysses-Diomedes Enoch, entered the courtroom with the Enochs and their phalanx of prison guards. 

Judge: Will this-here defendant known as Pappy Enoch please rise. 
Pappy: Whee-doggy I done that already (looking at shapely court typist)

Judge: I mean get yo’ butt out o’ that seat, sir! 
Pappy: Oh, why didn’t you say so, your horror? 
Ulysses: Pap, that’s "yo’ honor," you dang idiot! 
Pappy: Okay, I’ll answer to him too (standing). 
Judge: So the court am lead to believe that you goes by multiple names, sir. 

Slewfoot: Objection! Where is a jury of their peers, like the law requires? 
Judge: "Peers?" Pull my other leg, you stupid beanpole walkin’ like a man. 
Jezz: Well then, I demands me a well hung jury! 
Judge (pulling out shotgun): Y’all shut the hell up o’ I’ll ventilate yo’ objectionabalist butts. 
Slewfoot: Objection withdrawn! Go ahead and corntinue, Pap. 
Pappy: Well, most folks calls me Pappy, tho a few calls me "daddy."

Judge: What about them other aliases? Do you deny that some people calls you the space cowboy? 
Pappy: Nope, tho some calls me the gangster o’ love. 
Judge: Don’t some people call you Maurice? 
Pappy: Whee hoo! Not wif’out gittin’ punched, yo’ horror.

Judge: Mr. Legume, we gots Jezz Enoch’s prison records—they am long—so we knows who they both am so they can get hang—I mean, get them a fair trial. You kin begin yo’ openin’ statement. 
Legume: Thank you, your honor. Though my time before the bar is as short as Mr. Enoch’s is long leaning on or behind bars, I’m stunned by his depravity. This horrible felon, with a long history of offenses and prison time, is a multiple recidivist. 
Pappy: That’s a dang lie! I never married me more’n two gals at one time! 
Judge: Order! 
Jezz: Okay, I’d like me a pepperoni with extry chee. . .

Judge: No no! Order in this here court! 
Pappy: Now we am talking! Make mine pulled pork barby-Q on a kaiser roll, North-Caroliny style vinegar sauce and….

Judge (slamming gavel): I means, shut yo’ damn mouths! 
Jezz: Why the hell didn’t you say so, yo’ honor? 
At this point, both Enochs were taken outside, beaten with chains, and returned to court in a more civil mood, as Legume continued his statement. 

Judge: Mr. Enoch, answer Mr. Legume when he flaps his jawbone! 
Legume: I put it before the court, why would anyone seek to defame the stately home and steal the artwork of my client? Miss Taliaferro has never been anything, her entire life, but a pillar of society! 
Jezz (in Pappy’s ear): She looks more like a walkin’ social disease.

Judge (nodding to prison guards): What did you say, Miss Enoch? 
Jezz: I done said she looks like she’s working fo’ society’s needs, yo’ honor. 
Legume: Quite. To continue! Mr. Enoch, on the other hand, is a man without any profession… 
Pappy: That ain’t true! I plays banjo at the barber shop up in Floyd for free haircuts! I’m a picker!

Legume: I’ve heard your music. You’re a mere grinner. 
Pappy: That’s more’n you am. I’m a lover.

Legume: Hah! He’s a sinner! Moreover, he’s a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker who gets his loving on the run! 
Pappy: Maybe so, but I sure don’t want to hurt no one.  I does admit to bein’ a rambler, a gambler, and a sweet-talkin’ ladies man!  But it’s all our Pappy’s fault. Look at that-there fallen woman (pointing to Jezz). We comes from a broken-down sad and miserably famberly! 
Jezz: It’s true. Papa were a rollin’ stone. And when he died, all he left us were alone…oh boo hoo what am to become o’ poor abused me. 
Pappy: An’ po’ me! I had me such a awful childhood I gots the delicious tremendous from all my drinkin’.

Slewfoot: He means “delirium tremens” your honor. 
Pappy: I got them too!  Oh woe am me! 
Miss Petunia (in a whisper): They’ll sway that hick of judge with such talk! I will flay the flesh from your pathetic bones, Septimus, unless you get these two sentenced to a lingering and painful death. I shall have my restitution!  

Legume (in a husky whisper): I’d eat red-hot lava for you, my little cinnamon bun.

Miss Petunia: I told you never to call me that in public, you scamp! That hayseed “attorney” of theirs has an unbeaten record in court because he’s only had one other case! 
Legume: That’s one more than me, my plump and quivering love-dumpling. 
Miss Petunia (blushing): Mind your tongue, sir! 
This game of cat-and-mouse went for hours, until Legume, obviously overcome, concluded. Then, wrapped in clouds of glory and discarded racing forms, the Perry Mason of the Backwoods, Slewfoot Hadisson, rose to defend the Enochs. 

[   Next Time: Hung, Drawn, Quartered!!!   ]