Uri’s Predictions for 2007
by Urizenus Sklar on 23/12/06 at 9:30 pm
Well, you’ve survived the warmup acts. For weeks now you’ve been exercising your fake smile muscles as you read the predictions that tell us about the MSM being duped by the Herald and dead hookers in Philip Linden’s car, but all along you wondered: When will Uri finally give us *his* predictions? And I understand your concern. Uri’s predictions for 2005 and 2006 were so spot on target that his predictions have become the Farmers Almanac of second life – people wouldn’t think of planting corn or sitting in a camping chair without consulting them first. But waiting is half the fun, don’t you think? That’s what the crew on Duran Duran island say anyway. But no matter, your long wait is over. I am happy to inform you that Uri’s Predictions are now, finally, at long last, available for your reading pleasure. Just below the fold.
Uri’s Predictions
1) Second Life imitates art, and in particular The Fight Club, when we discover that Prokofy Neva and Christiano Midnight are in fact the same person. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, Prok/Chris and Aimee Webber will form an epic love triangle ala Jules and Jim.
2) Second Life age play makes national headlines, when a furry age play fanatic turns out to be the minister of an evangelical megachurch. People reminisce about the days when meth and man ass were all a mega-minister needed.
3) Interpersonal conflicts within Terra Nova contributors and their Terror Nova guild erupt into real life fistfights at the State of Play, however the only injuries are a few sprained wrists and broken eyeglasses.
4) Lawyer Jack Thompson, frustrated that his railing against Take Two gets no attention, turns his litigious eye towards Second Life, but in an unexpected turn of events he is hired by Linden Lab to replace Torley Linden. Heartbroken by this turn of events, Torley swears off watermelons and acquires a thing for pomegranates.
5) The Crayonista new media PR firm dissolves when it turns out that several of the partners have fallen madly in love with Second Life uber-escort Cardie Mahoney and jealousy trumps their corporate loyalty. Left without work, several of them take jobs writing advertising copy for the Herald. One lucky Crayonista becomes PR officer for Cardie Mahoney’s erotic empire.
6) The Axel Springer attempt to create a virtual tabloid in Second Life shuts down quickly when they realize that there aren’t 2 million people in Second Life after all, but only around 100,000 occasional visitors and not many of them can actually read. They also realize there is only enough room in the gutter for *one* tabloid, and we all know what tabloid that is.
7) The Edelman PR firm fails to learn the most obvious lesson from the Walmart fake blog (flog) fiasco: don’t get caught! They try inserting pro-Walmart subliminal messages into Grid Review video programs. Everything goes well until Walmart insists that Moo Money be fired because of her virtual meth habit. Moo exposes the subliminal message conspiracy, and triumphantly lights up a giant blunt on the first show on her new TV network: Moo Tube.
In a tragic accident in the IBM sims, a Gene Replacement mega-prim collapses on chairman Palmisano during a speech to the assembled faithful. The event so scars him psychologically that he retires to a ranch in Montana. Virtual architect Jessica Qin leaves Second Life in shame, but her career is resurrected when the Haliburton Corporation hires her to help rebuild the New Orleans levee.
9) Duran Duran doesn’t come to SL.
10) The average age of the Something Awful forum goons drops below 13, and their interest in Second Life intensifies when they realize they can use it to produce Harry Potter/Ron Weasley slash fanfic machinima and watch it 24/7. They’ve already started:
Cristiano / Prokofy
Dec 23rd, 2006
There is *NO* H in my name, Urizenus. It is just another tenditious attempt to force feed conformity, and I won’t have it. It deserves a huge whack and the strongest of push back from me until you dolts at the Herald get it right. Duh.
moo Money
Dec 23rd, 2006
I’d still like to know where I can get the (virtual) meth lab. I’d really like to cut out the middle man if I can.
Prokofy Neva
Dec 23rd, 2006
“Moo Tube” — hehe you’re the best Uri, that was brilliant. The scary thing is that she probably will make a show called that.
As for Jules and Jim, the sensational expose of me in fact being Aimee’s alt has already been done:
http://secondthoughts.typepad.com/second_thoughts/2006/04/news_flash_prok.html
Actually what Sam P would be more likely to do is make a comic strip about the roof falling on his head, then hire Jessica to build him a virtual Montana ranch in Second Life and figure out how to breed scripted cattle there.
Petey
Dec 24th, 2006
I never want to watch that HP video again, but something about the music is just so compelling.
Urizenus
Dec 24th, 2006
sure Petey sure, it’s only about the music…
Rumgoat Pugilist
Dec 24th, 2006
The Harry Potter video was the funniest and most horrifying thing I’ve seen all day. Thank you Uri. Now I’m going to go get really drunk to get those images out of my head.
Nacon
Dec 24th, 2006
Uriz enjoyed watching it, enough to put it up in his own predictions.
Cardie Mahoney
Dec 24th, 2006
For some reason I’m loving number 5, but I have to agree that the truth behind number two, there’s going to be at least one undercover mainstream media investigation’ is going to happen in 07.
Cocoanut Koala
Dec 24th, 2006
@3: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! haha!
coco
Brace
Dec 24th, 2006
Besides, everyone (but me) calls him Ano anyway
Yooo tellem Cris!
Uri, howz our love chile doin?
*seconds Coco’s motion*
Urizenus
Dec 24th, 2006
I dunno Brace, I thought you were raising him/her/it. You expect me to keep track of all my luv childz?
Julaybib
Dec 25th, 2006
I predict the eclipse of those SL users mired in their own insular geekdom and the rise of people who see SL as a cultural and educational opportunity.
Brace
Dec 25th, 2006
Geez Uri!
I impregnated you so I could keep my girlish figure – I thought yer maternal instincts would kick in once you gave birth to him/her/it
dammit! That’s like my 5th love chile I done losted to the wide wide world of pixels
gettin reeeely hard to propagate the Brace species these dayz
urizenus
Dec 25th, 2006
Ooooooh, I thought I was just getting fat from all the Norwegian Christmas food I was eating. Can we try again?
like_ummm
Dec 26th, 2006
hmmm – virtual sex as a “cultural and educational opportunity” – yes I can see that.